What to say when a loved one comes out

When someone trusts you enough to come to you, it is essential to choose the words with which you answer carefully and carefully. “At that time, empathy is the most important tool that you have to be an ally and be there for the person you love who suggests you,” says Max Talisman, a queer filmmaker, actor and founder of Malibu, Bro Productions. ‘They let you hear them, is everything At that time. “

To indicate that they have your full attention, you don’t interrupt your friend or family member while they talk, he adds. Unless they ask you a question: “Let them speak,” says Talisman. “Don’t intervene and don’t make jokes. It’s all about showing love and respect.”

We asked a handful of leading voices in the LGBTQ+ community exactly what to say when someone you care about comes to you.

“So?”

When people come out, they are still the same person, they were five minutes or hours or days before that monumental moment. If there is something, they are more himself. That is why it is so important for those on the receiving side to make it clear that they are not going anywhere. When Talisman came to his parents, the first thing his mother said to him was, “So?”

“It was the most calming thing she could have said, because it meant that it didn’t change anything,” he recalls. “It was the same with my father. It didn’t change for them. I was still their son, and they still loved me so much.”

“Thank you for being you.”

You could thank your friend for opening you. But Talisman prefers to give it a twist and thank them instead that they are them. You might report it that way: “I love the person you are, and I am grateful that I am here with you if you are more authentic than you have ever been.”

Thank your friend is a much better approach than to tell them that you are not surprised by their news. That is a common reaction when someone comes out, Talisman says, and he does not understand why some people feel forced to say it. “It does not add anything to the moment, and in fact you almost take this moment of vulnerability away because you ‘knew’ all the time,” he says.

“I love you and I support you.”

As Lutheran Deacon, Ross Murray, who is vice -president of education and training at the Glaad Media Institute, spends a lot of time working with LGBTQ+ teenagers. He has always seen what happens when young people struggle to find support at home after he has come out, and it can be terrible. Up to 40% of the youth Experiencing homelessness as LGBTQ+, he notes.

Read more: 14 things to say besides ‘I love you’

That is why, if you are the parent of someone you have just told that they are strange, it is crucial to reassure them and to teach them a sense of security and security. They say that you love them is “the first piece confirmation that lets them know that the relationship is not changing,” says Murray. “They will receive that love and support, and whatever will follow, will still be based on a caring, healthy relationship.”

“Is there something that I can do to be there for you?”

People who come out must be in control of their own journey, including how and when they share the news with other friends or family members. Although it is important not to switch, they will probably appreciate it if you ask them for specific ways you can show support. “It is never appropriate to eliminate anyone,” says Murray. “But they could say,” Would you like to interfere with grandma for me? “” Follow the lead of your loved one, instructs and remember that everyone needs something else – and your friend may not know exactly what that looks like.

“Thank you very much for trusting me with your truth.”

This works when someone comes out, but it is especially useful for Transmensen, says Suzanne Ford, executive director of San Francisco Pride (and the first transwoman who has that role for the organization). “It shows that you appreciate that the other person is authentic, and you appreciate his confidence, and that is really important,” she says. “If you start there, it will probably be fine.”

Read more: The worst to say to someone who is depressed

Whatever you do, don’t make a conversation about yourself and how revelation will influence your life. “When I came to my mother, it became about her,” says Ford. “She lost her son. Many people do that, and that’s the worst thing you could do, because it’s not about you, it’s about them.”

“What are the pronouns of your preference?”

Step one: Discover what your friend gives first name. Step two: actually use them. When someone comes out like Trans, you can also ask him if they change their name, and if so, advises for Ford. Do they want you to use that name to tackle them? “You don’t have to make assumptions,” she says. “Everyone comes out at different points in their transition, and they might not be ready for that.”

“I recently have to tell you about this cool pride event.”

Even before someone comes out, you can make it clear that you are a safe person to trust, says Zachary Zane, sex and relationship expert with Grindr, a dating app for gay, bi-, trans- and queer adults. Do this by using gender-inclusive language and avoiding assumptions about gender or relationship standards.

Read more: 10 things to say when someone doesn’t get off his phone

“You can share your own experiences if it is suitable,” he says. “If you feel comfortable, mention supportive attitudes or experiences, such as talking about LGBTQ events you went to, or somehow acceptance of acceptance in a way that is more subtle than:” If you were gay, I would still love you. “

“I really appreciate that you share with me – I know that wasn’t easy.”

Less is more in the first conversations when someone comes out, says Zane. It is best not to have them too pepper with questions, especially about the future, because they probably do not have all the answers yet. After he came out as Bi, a family member asked him: “Does that mean you’re getting to marry a man or woman?” “I have something like ‘I have no idea’, he says.” “I’m just exploring my new attractions, and I’m going to go out next to women with men.” ‘

“Great! When do we celebrate?”

This is a great way to show you that you completely embrace your friend, as they identify, says Jason Mitchell Kahn, a wedding planner specializing in LGBTQ+ weddings and author of We do: an inclusive guide when a traditional wedding does not cut it. “It’s very simple, and it comes from a place with 100% support,” he says. “Coming out is an important, important step for many people, and sometimes it takes years to become comfortable, even to do it.” The fact that your friend felt ready to share how they identify? That requires a big party.

“How much do you feel at ease at the moment?”

Not everyone wants to start a long conversation after he comes out. “Some people are ready to explain it, but they don’t want to talk about it in detail,” says Khan. By asking how much your friend feels comfortable to share, “you give the person who gives permission to do it on their own timeline.”