Last week I wrote about alcohol and the devastating impact that it can have on a marriage. I revealed that although drinking is in itself related to higher separation and separation percentages, the evidence shows that the biggest factor is that couples have different drinking habits.
My word, that touched an agreement with many readers! It resulted in one of the largest post bags I have ever had, many told me that alcohol had ended their marriage.
The most sad letters and e -mails were from the drinkers themselves who, only afterwards, saw the impact that had their habit on their other half.
“Knowing it I was to blame, not him, even now hangs over me 15 years later,” wrote a woman. “I lost my house, my wife, my children,” said another, adding that his wife had repeatedly asked him to reduce his drink, but he ignored her until it was too late.
A number stated that they drank similar quantities in the early days of their relationship. Then things changed over time: they had children, they started to concentrate on their career and so on – and cut back. Their partners, however, continued to drink the same volume and suddenly the mismatch was a problem.
So this week I wanted to discuss how to bridge the gap if one of you is teetotaal (or rarely drinks) and the other is not.
Relationships shift when one of you becomes sober – I know this because it happened to me. I have been with my partner for 15 years and in the beginning we both drank both regularly.
We never really drank too much, but we would have a glass of wine during dinner and enjoyed drinking one night out. He was then diagnosed with a serious, progressive, inherited liver disease.
A number of readers said they drank similar quantities like their partner in the early days of their relationship, but things changed over time
Although this was a car -immune disease that had nothing to do with his alcohol consumption, his consultant warned him that alcohol would accelerate the damage to his liver, so that he would rather need a liver transplant and possibly even shorten his life.
Very wise, with my full support, he decided to never drink again. But I was confronted with a dilemma. I wanted to support him in his austerity, but I didn’t want to give myself up.
By trial and error we learned that, in order to find the right balance, we had to change subtly how we spent our time together to ensure that everything we did was not aimed at alcohol.
My partner never asked or expected that I would give up drinks with him, and he never complained if I had a drink.
We let it work because we talked about things, have made compromises and approached the problem with kindness and a valuation of each other’s perspective. In other words: communication is the key.
On the other hand, if alcohol has become the basis for your entire relationship and the only thing you have in common (or the only way you can tolerate each other), then one of you will be sober to navigate. Unfortunately, in such situations it would probably be the best not to be together.
Fortunately, this is not the case for most people. I have actually discovered that my partner Teetotaal has been beautifully enriching, because it made us to concentrate on doing fun, interesting things instead of sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine.
HThere are a few things that my partner and me helped …
1) Plan to do things that are not aimed at alcohol. It could go to the theater, a concert or a sporting event. If one of you wants to drink while you are there, that’s fine, because this is not the most important focus. The opportunity – not the wine – will be what you talk about afterwards.
2) Make sure that your non-drinking partner knows in advance whether you intend to have alcohol, so there are no surprises one night out. Discover which occasions your partner no longer enjoys and vote to avoid or go, but stay sober in solidarity.
3) Going to a party with your partner if you are both sober can be an eye-opener. It reveals how boring and annoying it is for them when everyone is drunk and helps you to deepen the challenges with which they are confronted.
4) Never hate your partner because he wants to leave early when they are the only non-drinker. Support them and preferably leave them.
5) Be aware of being drunk for the other person – talk to them about how they think about this and if they don’t like it, don’t.
6) Discover what the sober person likes and make sure you are stored at home and take a bottle with it when you go to the friend’s houses. Splash on a chic every now and then (I recommend Fortnum and Mason Sparkling Tea) because it feels more like a treat. If you drink a drink at home, pour your partner’s non-alcoholic Tipple into the same glass style. It will feel like you are drinking together.
7) Get in when you hear someone try to drink your partner – “Oh go on, only the one.” It is almost always because that person feels threatened by someone who does not drink because he faces his own relationship with alcohol. Standing up for your partner sends a clear message that you always have their backs.
8) If you are struggling or feel resentment in an alcohol -galaxy relationship, don’t get angry. Instead, think about your own relationship with drinks and whether that should be tackled.
A report published in the British Medical Journal showed that Ketamine adds in England between 2023 and 2024. Why is this harmful medicine still only class B? It completely gives young people the wrong message.
Kate’s Care Journey
Kate GarraWay said: ‘Zorg takes care of your entire life’
Kate GarraWay has revealed that she is still waking up in the night in panic that she did not give her deceased husband Derek Draper his medicine. So many people who have been carers will understand this.
Derek died at the age of 56 in January 2024 after a four-year battle with Long Covid. She explained: ‘Caring takes over your entire life. You don’t continue it, but you suffer from it. ‘
This summarizes perfectly what it is like to be a caregiver. It is a huge responsibility that becomes a way of life, something that dominates all your thoughts and has consequences for every decision you make. And then, when that person is no longer there, it can take a long time to adapt.
If you are so used to turning yourself in second place, it is not easy to switch it off.
Sir Tony Blair said Great -Britain should embrace ‘AI doctors and nurses’. If you do not do this, he warned, the risk that the country will remain behind. Am I rather chilling in finding the prospect of an AI doctor? Yes, for some things, such as analyzing blood tests or interpreting scans, AI can do a good job. But for most doctors, practicing medicines is an art with the real knowledge that often goes back. It is about building a relationship and trust and creating a meaningful, human connection. I know all my patients and give them deep for them. I really don’t believe that AI can replicate this.
Dr. Max writes … The gift of teenagers by Rachel Kelly
Full of tips, wisdom and advice on how to survive and bloom with teenagers, this book is an absolute must for every parent with teenagers or Tweens. With input from experts in mental health and the development of children, it gives adults an invaluable guide to understanding the astonishing world with whom their teenagers have to deal with.
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